De-armouring: A whole body emotional release experience.
De-armouring is physical and energetic action coupled with an emotional release and can be done anywhere on the body where emotions or trauma get stored.
I attended a heart de-armouring workshop about a month ago at The Toronto Tantra Festival. A woman sat down beside me and we started chatting. She confessed she thought that the only place you could de-armour is in a yoni and was excited to learn more. Throughout the workshop we worked along the front of the torso and learned and practiced de-armouring in that capacity.
De-armouring is physical and energetic action coupled with an emotional release and can be done anywhere on the body where emotions or trauma get stored. I don't believe that is one perfect way to do de-armouring, but in general de-armouring is physical touch deep enough in a specific spot to invoke an emotional response, and it's held until the emotion is fully released. You could look at it like an emotional trigger point, if you're familiar with trigger point therapy, with a similar physical mechanism, but a different intention.
Some common places to de-armour are around:
the chest/heart
the neck, throat and jaw
the whole length of the spine, as well as the ribcage
all around the front, back and sides of the pelvis
the inner thighs tend to hold a lot too
through our bellies (our emotional center)
As well as inside the yoni and anus.
As with any bodywork, communication between giver and receiver is essential.
Another neat part of de-armouring is you can do it on yourself. It's a different experience as you're both giving and receiving, but there are benefits to it as well, like being exactly where you want the touch to be, with the right amount of depth. The benefits to someone else doing it for you, is you can surrender and be held and witnessed in your emotions and expression.
To experience the magic of de-armouring, connect with me for an Embodiment Session, either Bodymind Clearing or Erotic Embodiment.
Death, assholes and Sex. The path to liberation?
When you face the fear of death, your own and other people's, you rip out the root of all suffering, which is attachment.
When you heal the shame around your asshole, your body opens to the earth's shamanic energy and ecstatic current.
When you heal your relationship with sexuality and excavate society's judgement and stigma, your life force, which is your erotic energy, can flow freely.
When you heal your relationship to these three things, you are free.
When you face the fear of death, your own and other people's, you rip out the root of all suffering, which is attachment.
When you heal the shame around your asshole, your body opens to the earth's shamanic energy and ecstatic current.
When you heal your relationship with sexuality and excavate society's judgement and stigma, your life force, which is your erotic energy, can flow freely.
How to Heal your Relationship with Death
Meditate on it.
Talk about it.
Say the fucking words - death, dead (stop sugar coating it)
Sit and look at something or someone that is dead.
Bear witness to death.
Surrender to the grief and move into the pain.
Practice different ways of releasing attachments to people and things.
How to Heal your Relationship to you Asshole
Introduce yourself to it.
Make love to it. Play with it. Massage it. Penetrate it.
Fart around people.
Shit in front of someone, or at the very least stop trying to hide that fact that you shit.
Let other people make love to it.
How to Heal your Relationship with Sex
Ditch judgement in exchange for curiosity for yourself and others.
Do it more, in different ways.
Connect with your body, including all the parts you've deemed unlovable.
Talk about it.
Breakout of your habits, whatever they are.
If you're with a partner who's closed off and judgmental, show them how their judgement of you makes you feel and stay curious together.
Don't take yourself too seriously.
Coaching Sessions, Embodiment Sessions and upcoming workshops can help guide your relationship with death, your asshole and sexuality. Words can't describe how liberating and valuable it is to heal these connections. Get in touch with me to see what sessions are best for you.
Love is not transaction. Should sex be?
In a perfect world, our relationships are founded on love and our hearts give from that generous, loving place, and we're human and naturally imperfect. How do we create space for all expressions in our sex lives?
Love is a will. Love is an act. Love is generous.
If sex is an expression of love, then sex should be a generous, willful action.
Is there a time and a place for transactions in relationships? Absolutely.
Is there a time and a place for transactions in the bedroom? Totally.
Is this an optimal way to exclusively operate in our relationships or our sex lives? Fuck. No.
In a perfect world, our relationships are founded on love and our hearts give from that generous, loving place, and we're human and naturally imperfect. How do we create space for all expressions in our sex lives?
How you do one thing is how you do everything. Let's use the example of oral sex.
If you're only going down on your partner, so they'll reciprocate or put out, you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you. This exchange is not an act of love for them and is often a microcosm of the relationship. That is a very necessary discussion for another.
Transactional energy exchange in a relationship is perfectly fine, so long as everyone consents to it before it happens. A non-consensual exchange looks like someone offering to grab dinner and take out the trash, then saying "I picked up groceries and took the garbage out. You can rub my feet now." If the other person knew the exchange would result in them having to rub someone's feet, they may not have agreed to it. A relationship can be transactional in nature if, again, everyone is consenting, and operating a romantic relationship like a business deal works for everyone involved. However, it's my experience that relationships too heavy in the transactional exchange department lack intimacy, passion and ultimately love, leaving a lot to be desired.
Below are a a few examples on how to navigate the waters of a one-sided sexual experience. Oral sex could easily be substituted for any other act, in or out of the bedroom.
Here is an example of a generous act of give and receive.
"Babe, will you go down on me?"
"Absolutely, how do you want it?"
"Soft, slow and relaxing cause I'm sleepy."
They proceed to perform loving, satisfying and relaxing oral sex.
The genital licker curls up with this sleepy receiver and falls asleep.
Here is an example of a shadowy transactional act of give and receive.
"Babe, will you go down on me?"
"Absolutely, how do you want it?"
"Soft, slow and relaxing cause I'm sleepy."
They proceed to perform oral sex with the intention of turning them on so they can have sex.
After finishing genital licking, they're making it clear they want sex, which wasn't agreed to and is unwelcome.
A simple no should be respected, but if it isn't, the sleepy person is probably annoyed and feels selfish and the genital licking person is probably pissed off and feels entitled.
Here is what the Art of Intimate Negotiation can look like:
"Babe, will you go down on me?"
"Can we make love after?"
"I'm really tired."
Scenario 1 - consensual transaction:
"I'm super horny and going down on you is going to turn me on way too much and I won't sleep if I don't get off."
"You can totally fuck me after, but don't' expect much effort from me, and I don't want it to take forever. Does that work?"
"Yes! I can't wait to devour you and I'll be so turned on, I won't need much time."
"Perfect!"
Scenario 2 - act of give and receive with more information for safety and comfort:
"Okay love, I really want to make out with your genitals, so I'm totally in to go down on you. I'll probably be turned on after, but we don't need to have sex, so don't feel pressured and I won't pressure you. Will you simply appreciate and love my arousal, even though we aren't having sex while I cuddle you to sleep?"
"Of course. Thank you."
Scenario 3 - act of give and receive, with giver taking responsibility for their turn on, and knowing their needs:
"I'm super horny and going down on you is going to turn me on way too much and I won't sleep if I don't get off."
"I'm so not down to fuck tonight babe."
"Okay, cool. Can I self pleasure after?"
"Oh totally."
Scenario 4 - potential giver knowing their limits of generosity and honouring their boundaries, with receiver not taking it personally:
"I'm not feeling I can give generously tonight."
*sighs* "Okay, let's pass out."
All of these discourses are clear, condensed consent conversations. The essential components of these are:
they are spoken with love
they are honest, with ourselves and our partners
they honour boundaries on both ends
they are clear
The hardest part on both ends is often hearing and saying "no," without feeling guilty or offended. Saying and hearing "no" is an integral piece to maintain peace.
"How we do one thing is how we do everything" is a vital part of this discussion. If this is a sticking point in your relationship, I bet it translates into the non-sexual aspects in your relationship as well. Stay tuned for a post about energy exchange in relationship.
Reach out for coaching sessions if you need help navigating these conversations. I’d love to work with you.
Embodied Decision Making
When we make pros and cons lists, we often try to logic our way into making a choice, completely disregarding our body and her inner wisdom.
“When we make pros and cons lists, we often try to logic our way into making a choice, completely disregarding our body and her inner wisdom.”
Yep, there’s inherent wisdom in your pussy or cock, and you should probably listen or they will absolutely defy your brain if they aren't in alignment with your choice. Hear me out...
There's relationship conflict. Logically, it makes no sense to continue relating to this person the way you have been. You decide to break up, because it just makes sense. Six days later, your heart is back in love and your sexy parts are wooed by all the juiciness, while your gut is saying “I’ll say I told you so in three weeks.”
How do we avoid that?
Consider the each following when assessing a situation:
Head
Heart
Gut
Sex
When we make pros and cons lists, we often try to logic our way into making a choice, completely disregarding our body and her inner wisdom. If we make a choice that dismisses her intelligence, she retaliates and demands to be heard... Just picture a very upset toddler that isn't getting her way. If she feels loved, respected and considered, your body is more likely to find alignment with the choice.
Give each of these aspects of yourself a voice. Speak or write as your heart, your gut or your sex. Try a free flowing of journal or talk to text. You'd be surprised what comes up when the words spill out unfiltered. Collect everything in writing so you can see it, then organize to make some sense of it. If these elements of ourselves have been silent for years, don't expect them to speak right away. Be patient, have compassion and seek assistance if you're blocked.
When you're done, let it simmer for awhile. Come back and contribute more, perhaps adding or subtracting the weight or importance of different aspects. Notice how each potential choice feels within each part of yourself.
Can you come into alignment?
Can you come to a choice that feels like it honours all parts?
Can you come to a higher ground where everyone's needs, desires and boundaries are met?
What does each part need in order for it to come into alignment? (With this question, challenge yourself to focus on the needs you can control within yourself to align, instead of automatically putting it on the other person.)
Which parts of you need to expand and grow? How will you develop these parts?
If we could simply use brainy logic for all of our decisions, they would be awfully simple to make. Our bodies often have the answers, long before our brains do anyway, so let them speak. Allow each fork in the road be an opportunity to sink deep into your body to seek the extraordinary wisdom. Let it be your guide.
If this seems foreign but brilliant, reach out to me for coaching and Embodiment sessions and keep following for upcoming workshops.
Permission and Forgiveness
All the small deceits chip away at a relationship, leaving it fragile. Then one day, one small thing makes the entire relationship destabilized at best and crumble completely at worst.
Each person in entitled to a life outside of the relationship.
Each person is equally responsible to the relationship and the responsibilities within the relationship.
Each person is responsible for themselves and their feelings, behaviours, needs and desires.
The question both partners need to ask themselves when this occurs is "why?" and be really honest with the answer.
"Why am I fearful of sharing my truth and desires?"
"Why is my partner fearful of sharing their truth and desires?"
Do your best to stay in your integrity, heal your wounds and act from a place of love.
If you need guidance in navigating either side, or as a couple, send a message to see if coaching is right for you.
Consent to Flirt?
Consent to flirt means throwing something out there and seeing if it's welcome or not. If they reject your advance, they don't consent and you move on. If they welcome it, they consent and you may carry on. They or you may revoke consent at any time.
What does consent to flirt even mean?
It means throwing something out there and seeing if it's welcome or not. If they reject your advance, they don't consent and you move on. If they welcome it, they consent and you may carry on. They or you may revoke consent at any time.
Is there a difference between flirting and seduction?
Flirting, as mentioned above, has no serious intent. Seduction has intent for sexuality.
Who decides what is flirting, what is merely being friendly and what is full on seduction?
The person or people that are flirting. Initially it starts with one person, then both are engaged in the exchange. If you can't read the intention or want more clarification, ask. If you are asked, be truthful. If the exchange continues, it should remain at the "slowest" person's pace and not move until they've given consent to shift gears. Do not expect it to shift gears if someone says they are merely flirting with you and you want to seduce them. If you're not interested in only flirting, end the exchange, preferably with love.
If the intention of seduction is to have sex with someone, what is the intention of flirting?
To boost your ego and someone else's ego. Case in point, people who spend time on Bumble and Tinder with no intention of meeting people.
Is there anything wrong with flirting?
No, as long as everyone is consenting to it and understands the intention and meaning behind it.
Is Ethical Non-Monogamy Sex addiction?
Sex addiction and ethical non-monogamy are two completely different things. That's like saying "you like beer and having a pint with friends. Are you an alcoholic?” Not all who drink are alcoholics and not all alcoholics like beer.
I got this question the other day:
"What do you think is the difference between being poly verse being a sex addict?"
My initial reaction was "are you fucking kidding me," but it was legitimately non-judgmental, completely curious and totally innocent. I knew the woman it came from and read the rest of the words that sandwiched the question, so it mitigated my initially intensely offensive response. That being said, I'm certain this is a common enough question and I expanded it to include other forms of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) as well.
Sex addiction and ethical non-monogamy are two completely different things. That's like saying "you like beer and having a pint with friends. Are you an alcoholic?” Not all who drink are alcoholics and not all alcoholics like beer.
Let's start with why I don't believe in "sex addiction." According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual one cannot be addicted to sex, as there is no chemical dependency or changes in the brain, as seen with substance addiction. That being said, one can absolutely have compulsive sexual behavior, which can present like mindless and unconscious hookups, porn use, masturbation practices, or sex work acquisition. Honestly, it's really difficult for me to even write adjectives with those words because I don't want to pathologize any of it. "Hypersexuality," another term people use synonymously with "sex addiction," designed to make a high sex drive look unhealthy, is a merely a relative term. It means that there is a "normal," which I think is fucking bogus. As long as it isn't creating an issue for you then it’s not too much. “Hypersexuality” is marked by “an excessive preoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors that is difficult to control, causes you distress, or negatively affects your health, job, relationships or other parts of your life.” (The Mayo Clinic). This says nothing about amount or type of sex. I'm not telling you that you're fucked up because you don't want to have sex, so don't tell me I'm fucked up because I do want it. On the healthy, non-compulsive side, “brief intimate encounters" are hook ups with consciousness and love. Porn use can be healthy and inspiring. Self pleasuring can easily be a means to relax your body or show yourself some love. Seeing a sex worker can be an intimate, beautiful and fulfilling way to create connection. Being kinky or into BDSM is an amazing way to learn more about yourself and grow in new and novel ways.
The key difference between a conscious choice and a compulsion is choice. When it's compulsive, it doesn't feel like a choice.
Another argument against "sex addiction" is that it's a basic human urge. I refuse to say it's a "need" because we can survive without it, but in terms of our primitive urges - eat, sleep, reproduce - it's right up there. Cycling it back to compulsions, it can be comparable to food. Sex and food can nourish and heal us. We can find intense pleasure and comfort while eating or making love. Unfortunately, when we're not feeling our best or are going through a stressful time, we can unconsciously turn to food and sex to run away from, escape or mask our feelings. When we make a habit of this, it turns into a compulsion and a way to avoid our pain instead of moving through it to heal the wounds that lie beneath our pain. It all comes back to the intention behind the use of sex or food and the consciousness of it - are you consciously choosing to heal your heart with delicious dark chocolate or are you gorging pizza to dodge, mask, or bury your shame, sadness or grief? Are you intentionally, fiercely fucking the anger out or mindlessly choosing to fuck your sorrow away? Is your partner on board with or even aware of your intention? Do you have a shared intention?
Each person places a different value on sexuality which ebbs and flows through life. If one places a high value on sex, they should choose partners that also place high value on sex. If they don't, there will be inevitable constant conflict because each has different values on something important to one of them. You can look at it this way - I value things less than I value experiences, so I'll be saving my money to go on vacation before I save money to buy a fancier house or a nicer car. It's wise to choose partners that also value experiences, or we will fight about what to spend money on. It's the same thing - a difference in values. Neither is right or wrong, but ideally both people in a partnership, have similar values about things that are important to them, or there will be excessive and unavoidable conflict.
Monogamous and "monogamous" people can be labelled "sex addicts" and have any of the aforementioned compulsions or unhealthy intentions behind their sex acts as well.
What is ethical non-monogamy?
Swinging (couple swapping, also known as being "in the lifestyle"), open relationships (freedom to be sexual with other people alone, but usually have a stipulation for not developing "feelings" for or relationships with the other person) and polyamory (having more than one romantic partnership simultaneously) are the most common forms of ethical non-monogamy, so I'll speak to these. Plenty of people will move into ENM with the initial intention of being sexual with more than one person, kinda like when guys go to yoga for the women in yoga pants and stay because they realize it's good for them. Many people start off in the lifestyle or with an open relationship as they are seemingly safer, with less emotional attachments because they tend to be more. When things go well, something that looks like polyamory often naturally evolves, inviting deep levels of love and intimacy, which comes with experience, maturation and age. It's similar to dating as we get older. In their twenties, people are often open to more strictly physical experiences, but with ten or fifteen years under their belt, they're more inclined to desire emotional or spiritual connections along with the physical ones. Polyamory directly translates to "more than one love" and is defined as "having more than one sexually intimate relationship at a time." I put equal emphasis on "sexually," "intimate" and "relationship." The difference between friendships and partnerships/loverships is most often the sex, though there are "relationships" without sex too. Polyamory is also only one way of doing "ethical non-monogamy" or ENM, and is arguably the least "sexual" way to do it, as it's more about love, intimacy and connection. However, there's spaciousness to flow on the spectrum of ENM, even when one identifies as polyamorous.
For many, ethical non-monogamy is a spiritual path towards unconditional love, full freedom and an expansion of consciousness. For me, love is wanting my partners to do whatever fills their hearts with love, joy and happiness and not putting conditions on it. For me, polyamory (which is how I personally identify, though I flow on the spectrum) is a deep practice in non-attachment. I know that my partners can leave me at any time, for any reasons (which is also true in monogamous relationships) but there's seemingly a less imminent threat when the relationship is closed. Polyamory is a practice in my own personal sovereignty, in taking responsibility for my own feelings during difficult situations, and finding more security and self love at the end of every challenge. I find exponential expansion through my heart when I bring my loves together and we share deeply emotional, sexual and physical intimacy. Polyamory is one of the two greatest teachers in my life, second only to parenthood.
Are They The Same?
All that said, many people are quite content swapping or staying open because they enjoy sex, yet they are still not "sex addicts." It’s like someone enjoying having a beer on the weekend, but you want to have a beer with your friend instead of your husband, or you and your wife want to go for brews with another couple. Wanting to drink (alone, with your partner, or with a stranger) does not make you an alcoholic, nor does having sex with more than one person make you a sex addict. Feeling like you need to drink or have sex is the issue, regardless of whether you’re doing it alone, with one person or multiple people. The key difference between a conscious choice and a compulsion is choice. When it's compulsive, it doesn't feel like a choice.
In terms of polyamory, the practice of loving more than one, it's the least likely of the forms of ENM to be linked to "sex addiction," because it's roots are in love, but as far as I'm concerned love can be weaved through it all with intention. Exploring new partnerships in an ethical way can be a powerful experience for many aspects of your life.
If you're questioning if any of your sexual behaviors is compulsive, ask yourself the following questions and know that there isn't a right or wrong answer to any of them. They're designed to create a greater awareness and help guide you to making conscious choices.
Do I need to do this or do I want to?
What's the drive behind it? Then follow that path with a few more "whys."
How will it make you feel? Is that how you want to feel?
Does everyone involved know your intention and do they consent to it?
Does this serve you, your relationship and the world?
To dive deeper into these questions in a safe, non-judgmental space, connect with me for a one-on-one virtual coaching session.
All the love,
Casey
Monogamy?
Relationship anarchy is the act of developing relationships that don’t have an arbitrary, default set of rules on how to be together. We co-create agreements that work for each of us based on what our desires are and continue with a flexible container that adapts with whatever surfaces in our lives.
A friend asked me a question the other day…
“DO YOU EVER WISH SOMETIMES YOU WERE MARRIED WITH A SPECIAL PARTNER THAT YOU GOT TO WAKE UP WITH EVERYDAY?"
The short answer is “yes.” The long answer is something along the lines of “no.”
This question came from a dear friend of mine I’ve known for decades, and I know it’s one a lot of people have for me.
I’ve practiced polyamory for almost a decade. People ask, “when did you know you were poly?” My answer is “some people just know they’re gay. I always knew I wasn’t monogamous.” When I started to explore my sexuality, I wondered why people only chose to make love with one person. It didn’t make any sense to me then, and still doesn’t now. (I do understand why people choose monogamy and, while it makes sense to me, it doesn’t resonate with me in the slightest. That’s a whole other conversation.)
Here’s the thing about humans. We want:
security AND freedom
intimacy AND desire
love AND lust
novelty AND comfort
dependency AND autonomy
Each of those are opposites and have an inverse relationship with each other. When the intimacy goes up, the desire goes down, when the comfort goes up, the novelty goes down, etc. (Ask anyone who’s been together for over a decade and they’ll tell you there’s an ebb and flow. You can also read Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity if you want expanded explanations.)
For the past eight years, I’ve explored a plethora of different ethically non-monogamous relationships, including a six-year polyamorous relationship, which had a beautiful blend of security and freedom.
Right now, in my poly V (I have two partners, who don’t have a sexual relationship with each other), I feel like I have an extraordinary balance of both autonomy and intimacy.
I get to choose who I spend time with and how we spend our time together.
Sometimes I don’t wake up with someone and I’d like to.
Other times I don’t wake up with someone and I’m glad I didn’t.
Many times, I do wake up with someone (or two someones) and it’s amazing.
Never do I wake up with someone and wish they weren’t there.
If I’m with someone, it’s because I *want* to be, not because I *have* to be. I’m the extroverted type of person who is thrilled to be with someone most of the time, and I’m also content to have my time and space to myself (a recent development), and this is a luxury most marriages don’t have. That’s why my short answer is “yes,” and my long answer is “no.”
My question back to my friend was “how often do you wish you had the freedom to make love with whoever you want?”
The irony is that most of us want both. It is socially acceptable to want the partnership, but socially wrong to want the sexual freedom.
I’ve pretty much given a big “fuck you” to anything society has ever told me to do (ask my parents, thanks for your endless love and support guys!), which led me to relational anarchy, the act of developing relationships that don’t have an arbitrary, default set of rules on how to be together. We co-create agreements that work for each of us based on what our desires are and continue with a flexible container that adapts with whatever surfaces in our lives.
If you want to hear more about relational anarchy, keep following.
Anatomy of Love Personality Types
Explorers, Builders, Negotiators and Directors. Which one are you and how does it affect who and how we love?
My whole summer of 2017 was a quest to understand the polarity that exists between men and women. To be very clear, I don't believe this is a black and white topic and respect the notion that gender exists on a spectrum and there is an abundance of nurture at play.
"Bird of a feather, flock together."
"Opposites attract."
What if both are true?
I read or listened to a pile of books on the topic and came across Helen Fisher's "Why Him? Why Her? How to Find and Keep Lasting Love" and it quickly became a "life changer." Her theory is we all inherited different preferences for neural pathways which strongly influence our personalities and therefore our romantic relationships. We often have a primary and a secondary.
Here's the breakdown:
“Why Him, Why Her?” is full of rich, easily digestible tidbits of neurobiochemistry and gives concrete information on how our nature forms our personalities and influences our relationships. I highly recommend you either read or listen to it and let me know what you think.
To find out what your personality type is, visit Helen's website, The Anatomy of Love.
If you're curious, I'm 98% explorer, 19% builder, 93% director and 71% negotiator. What is your breakdown?