Love is not transaction. Should sex be?
Love is a will. Love is an act. Love is generous.
If sex is an expression of love, then sex should be a generous, willful action.
Is there a time and a place for transactions in relationships? Absolutely.
Is there a time and a place for transactions in the bedroom? Totally.
Is this an optimal way to exclusively operate in our relationships or our sex lives? Fuck. No.
In a perfect world, our relationships are founded on love and our hearts give from that generous, loving place, and we're human and naturally imperfect. How do we create space for all expressions in our sex lives?
How you do one thing is how you do everything. Let's use the example of oral sex.
If you're only going down on your partner, so they'll reciprocate or put out, you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you. This exchange is not an act of love for them and is often a microcosm of the relationship. That is a very necessary discussion for another.
Transactional energy exchange in a relationship is perfectly fine, so long as everyone consents to it before it happens. A non-consensual exchange looks like someone offering to grab dinner and take out the trash, then saying "I picked up groceries and took the garbage out. You can rub my feet now." If the other person knew the exchange would result in them having to rub someone's feet, they may not have agreed to it. A relationship can be transactional in nature if, again, everyone is consenting, and operating a romantic relationship like a business deal works for everyone involved. However, it's my experience that relationships too heavy in the transactional exchange department lack intimacy, passion and ultimately love, leaving a lot to be desired.
Below are a a few examples on how to navigate the waters of a one-sided sexual experience. Oral sex could easily be substituted for any other act, in or out of the bedroom.
Here is an example of a generous act of give and receive.
"Babe, will you go down on me?"
"Absolutely, how do you want it?"
"Soft, slow and relaxing cause I'm sleepy."
They proceed to perform loving, satisfying and relaxing oral sex.
The genital licker curls up with this sleepy receiver and falls asleep.
Here is an example of a shadowy transactional act of give and receive.
"Babe, will you go down on me?"
"Absolutely, how do you want it?"
"Soft, slow and relaxing cause I'm sleepy."
They proceed to perform oral sex with the intention of turning them on so they can have sex.
After finishing genital licking, they're making it clear they want sex, which wasn't agreed to and is unwelcome.
A simple no should be respected, but if it isn't, the sleepy person is probably annoyed and feels selfish and the genital licking person is probably pissed off and feels entitled.
Here is what the Art of Intimate Negotiation can look like:
"Babe, will you go down on me?"
"Can we make love after?"
"I'm really tired."
Scenario 1 - consensual transaction:
"I'm super horny and going down on you is going to turn me on way too much and I won't sleep if I don't get off."
"You can totally fuck me after, but don't' expect much effort from me, and I don't want it to take forever. Does that work?"
"Yes! I can't wait to devour you and I'll be so turned on, I won't need much time."
"Perfect!"
Scenario 2 - act of give and receive with more information for safety and comfort:
"Okay love, I really want to make out with your genitals, so I'm totally in to go down on you. I'll probably be turned on after, but we don't need to have sex, so don't feel pressured and I won't pressure you. Will you simply appreciate and love my arousal, even though we aren't having sex while I cuddle you to sleep?"
"Of course. Thank you."
Scenario 3 - act of give and receive, with giver taking responsibility for their turn on, and knowing their needs:
"I'm super horny and going down on you is going to turn me on way too much and I won't sleep if I don't get off."
"I'm so not down to fuck tonight babe."
"Okay, cool. Can I self pleasure after?"
"Oh totally."
Scenario 4 - potential giver knowing their limits of generosity and honouring their boundaries, with receiver not taking it personally:
"I'm not feeling I can give generously tonight."
*sighs* "Okay, let's pass out."
All of these discourses are clear, condensed consent conversations. The essential components of these are:
they are spoken with love
they are honest, with ourselves and our partners
they honour boundaries on both ends
they are clear
The hardest part on both ends is often hearing and saying "no," without feeling guilty or offended. Saying and hearing "no" is an integral piece to maintain peace.
"How we do one thing is how we do everything" is a vital part of this discussion. If this is a sticking point in your relationship, I bet it translates into the non-sexual aspects in your relationship as well. Stay tuned for a post about energy exchange in relationship.
Reach out for coaching sessions if you need help navigating these conversations. I’d love to work with you.
