Is Ethical Non-Monogamy Sex addiction?

I got this question the other day:

"What do you think is the difference between being poly verse being a sex addict?"

My initial reaction was "are you fucking kidding me," but it was legitimately non-judgmental, completely curious and totally innocent. I knew the woman it came from and read the rest of the words that sandwiched the question, so it mitigated my initially intensely offensive response. That being said, I'm certain this is a common enough question and I expanded it to include other forms of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) as well.

Sex addiction and ethical non-monogamy are two completely different things. That's like saying "you like beer and having a pint with friends. Are you an alcoholic?” Not all who drink are alcoholics and not all alcoholics like beer.

Let's start with why I don't believe in "sex addiction." According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual one cannot be addicted to sex, as there is no chemical dependency or changes in the brain, as seen with substance addiction. That being said, one can absolutely have compulsive sexual behavior, which can present like mindless and unconscious hookups, porn use, masturbation practices, or sex work acquisition. Honestly, it's really difficult for me to even write adjectives with those words because I don't want to pathologize any of it. "Hypersexuality," another term people use synonymously with "sex addiction," designed to make a high sex drive look unhealthy, is a merely a relative term. It means that there is a "normal," which I think is fucking bogus. As long as it isn't creating an issue for you then it’s not too much. “Hypersexuality” is marked by “an excessive preoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors that is difficult to control, causes you distress, or negatively affects your health, job, relationships or other parts of your life.” (The Mayo Clinic). This says nothing about amount or type of sex.  I'm not telling you that you're fucked up because you don't want to have sex, so don't tell me I'm fucked up because I do want it. On the healthy, non-compulsive side, “brief intimate encounters" are hook ups with consciousness and love. Porn use can be healthy and inspiring. Self pleasuring can easily be a means to relax your body or show yourself some love. Seeing a sex worker can be an intimate, beautiful and fulfilling way to create connection. Being kinky or into BDSM is an amazing way to learn more about yourself and grow in new and novel ways.

The key difference between a conscious choice and a compulsion is choice. When it's compulsive, it doesn't feel like a choice.

Another argument against "sex addiction" is that it's a basic human urge. I refuse to say it's a "need" because we can survive without it, but in terms of our primitive urges - eat, sleep, reproduce - it's right up there. Cycling it back to compulsions, it can be comparable to food. Sex and food can nourish and heal us. We can find intense pleasure and comfort while eating or making love. Unfortunately, when we're not feeling our best or are going through a stressful time, we can unconsciously turn to food and sex to run away from, escape or mask our feelings. When we make a habit of this, it turns into a compulsion and a way to avoid our pain instead of moving through it to heal the wounds that lie beneath our pain. It all comes back to the intention behind the use of sex or food and the consciousness of it - are you consciously choosing to heal your heart with delicious dark chocolate or are you gorging pizza to dodge, mask, or bury your shame, sadness or grief? Are you intentionally, fiercely fucking the anger out or mindlessly choosing to fuck your sorrow away? Is your partner on board with or even aware of your intention? Do you have a shared intention?

Each person places a different value on sexuality which ebbs and flows through life. If one places a high value on sex, they should choose partners that also place high value on sex. If they don't, there will be inevitable constant conflict because each has different values on something important to one of them. You can look at it this way - I value things less than I value experiences, so I'll be saving my money to go on vacation before I save money to buy a fancier house or a nicer car. It's wise to choose partners that also value experiences, or we will fight about what to spend money on. It's the same thing - a difference in values. Neither is right or wrong, but ideally both people in a partnership, have similar values about things that are important to them, or there will be excessive and unavoidable conflict. 

Monogamous and "monogamous" people can be labelled "sex addicts" and have any of the aforementioned compulsions or unhealthy intentions behind their sex acts as well.

What is ethical non-monogamy?

Swinging (couple swapping, also known as being "in the lifestyle"), open relationships (freedom to be sexual with other people alone, but usually have a stipulation for not developing "feelings" for or relationships with the other person) and polyamory (having more than one romantic partnership simultaneously) are the most common forms of ethical non-monogamy, so I'll speak to these. Plenty of people will move into ENM with the initial intention of being sexual with more than one person, kinda like when guys go to yoga for the women in yoga pants and stay because they realize it's good for them. Many people start off in the lifestyle or with an open relationship as they are seemingly safer, with less emotional attachments because they tend to be more. When things go well, something that looks like polyamory often naturally evolves, inviting deep levels of love and intimacy, which comes with experience, maturation and age. It's similar to dating as we get older. In their twenties, people are often open to more strictly physical experiences, but with ten or fifteen years under their belt, they're more inclined to desire emotional or spiritual connections along with the physical ones. Polyamory directly translates to "more than one love" and is defined as "having more than one sexually intimate relationship at a time." I put equal emphasis on "sexually," "intimate" and "relationship." The difference between friendships and partnerships/loverships is most often the sex, though there are "relationships" without sex too. Polyamory is also only one way of doing "ethical non-monogamy" or ENM, and is arguably the least "sexual" way to do it, as it's more about love, intimacy and connection. However, there's spaciousness to flow on the spectrum of ENM, even when one identifies as polyamorous.

For many, ethical non-monogamy is a spiritual path towards unconditional love, full freedom and an expansion of consciousness. For me, love is wanting my partners to do whatever fills their hearts with love, joy and happiness and not putting conditions on it. For me, polyamory (which is how I personally identify, though I flow on the spectrum) is a deep practice in non-attachment. I know that my partners can leave me at any time, for any reasons (which is also true in monogamous relationships) but there's seemingly a less imminent threat when the relationship is closed. Polyamory is a practice in my own personal sovereignty, in taking responsibility for my own feelings during difficult situations, and finding more security and self love at the end of every challenge. I find exponential expansion through my heart when I bring my loves together and we share deeply emotional, sexual and physical intimacy. Polyamory is one of the two greatest teachers in my life, second only to parenthood.

Are They The Same?

All that said, many people are quite content swapping or staying open because they enjoy sex, yet they are still not "sex addicts." It’s like someone enjoying having a beer on the weekend, but you want to have a beer with your friend instead of your husband, or you and your wife want to go for brews with another couple. Wanting to drink (alone, with your partner, or with a stranger) does not make you an alcoholic, nor does having sex with more than one person make you a sex addict. Feeling like you need to drink or have sex is the issue, regardless of whether you’re doing it alone, with one person or multiple people. The key difference between a conscious choice and a compulsion is choice. When it's compulsive, it doesn't feel like a choice.

In terms of polyamory, the practice of loving more than one, it's the least likely of the forms of ENM to be linked to "sex addiction," because it's roots are in love, but as far as I'm concerned love can be weaved through it all with intention. Exploring new partnerships in an ethical way can be a powerful experience for many aspects of your life.

If you're questioning if any of your sexual behaviors is compulsive, ask yourself the following questions and know that there isn't a right or wrong answer to any of them. They're designed to create a greater awareness and help guide you to making conscious choices.

Do I need to do this or do I want to?

What's the drive behind it? Then follow that path with a few more "whys."

How will it make you feel? Is that how you want to feel?

Does everyone involved know your intention and do they consent to it?

Does this serve you, your relationship and the world?

To dive deeper into these questions in a safe, non-judgmental space, connect with me for a one-on-one virtual coaching session.

All the love,

Casey